In an unexpected turn of events, it was revealed late Thursday afternoon that Stephen Conroy, the Australian Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy, has been arrested on charges of animal abuse and creating a public nuisance for buggering a red-neck wallaby near the front entrance of Parliament House in Canberra. Eyewitnesses on the scene report that the Minister appeared to be “no more intoxicated than usual” as he molested the marsupial, and that he seemed in high spirits, singing “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” at the top of his lungs until removed by police.
Conroy gained international fame as the architect of Australia’s internet censorship plans, including a provision to ban internet games found unsuitable for 15-year-olds. His proposal to impose mandatory filtering of internet content for all users gained the support of a whopping 13% of Australian voters, with only 78% opposed, and stands poised to become law pending a cooling trend in certain mythological netherworlds.
Sources close to the Minister report that he may have been despondant over the failure of his censorship plan, as well as an ongoing investigation into his possible involvement with a wallaby smuggling ring headed by Senator Steve Fielding of the Family First Party. The ring allegedly procured wallabies for lonely men abroad in exchange for money and political considerations; clients are reputed to include North Korea’s Kim Jong Il and Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as well as much of the inner circle of the Chinese Communist Party.
A preliminary hearing into the charges against Conroy is scheduled for next Wednesday. Conroy is expected to blacklist any coverage of the trial. Please note that for the purpose of Australia’s absurdly broad liable and slander laws, the preceding article is satirical in nature. Please don’t sue me. I cut out the part about your wife and the Royal Navy.